Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Frustration...

When is my best, good enough? I comply, I take the tests, the pills and the insults from the medical establishment, the public, even family...

It is difficult to express how long and deep frustration is when you live with E... Want information on E., go to the web and search for a non medical site about it. When you find one, see if they talk about daily living with E., or the emotional, psychological, sociological aspects of life with it. Most of them don't.

What you will find, in huge numbers, are sites that advertise drugs, talk more about tests and findings, doctors etc.---in other words, an entire medical cocoon to wrap up in! 

When you go to the doctor, how hard do you have to struggle to get information relevant to you? Besides generic advice on getting enough sleep, watching your diet and taking your medications regularly, what do they really tell you?

Epilepsy is frequently misrepresented. On television, when they want to show a person 
with E. seizing, often, the actor presents E. as something like a two-year-old throwing a tantrum on the floor---lots of flailing of arms and legs. 
Never accurate.

Lately, I have been hearing more and more comments related to E.---"he got so mad he looked like an epileptic lizard" and the like. Or, "you don't have to get all epileptic about it". This isn't sensitive and does not help any of us!
Ann Jacoby and Joan Austin have written:
For many people with epilepsy, the continuing social reality of their condition is as a stigma. Epilepsy stigma has three different levels; internalized, interpersonal, and institutional. While there have been documented improvements in public attitudes towards epilepsy, the remnants of "old" ideas about epilepsy continue to inform popular concepts resulting in a difficult social environment for those affected. The social and quality of life problems arising from a diagnosis of epilepsy can represent greater challenges than are warranted by its clinical severity. The relationship between stigma and
 impaired quality of life is well documented. Tackling the problem of stigma effectively requires that all three of different levels at which it operates are systematically addressed. (Ann Jacoby, Joan K. Austin (2007) Social stigma for adults and children with epilepsy, Epilepsia  48 (s9) , 6–9 doi:10.1111/j.1528 1167.2007.01391.x Epilepsia 48 (s9) , 6–9 doi:10.1111/j.1528-1167.2007.01391.x .)

What about people in general? How about elementary school? Ever been faced with the suggestion that your son or daughter cannot be accepted because the epilepsy might frighten others or be an insurance liability?

How about employment? Housing? Two terrific areas of concern, and both frequently make use of the "insurance liability" phrase as a means of denial... Some years back, I can recall being denied employment on the basis that I didn't drive---even though it was not a requirement of the job, it was the basis of my denial.  That same year, I applied for an apartment, and was told I didn't qualify because I had E., and because I "might turn violent" and wreck the place. 

What am I expecting to find, since I have come out as epileptic? 

Equality, acceptance, and opportunity.  

Paranoia as a feature of E.?


According to Orrin Devinsky and B. Vasquez in Behavioral Changes Associated with Epilepsy
Epilepsy can be accompanied by changes in cognition, personality, affect, and other elements of behavior. There is no single epileptic constitution or personality complex. A unifying theme to the behavior in epilepsy is diversity. As one looks at the behavioral traits reported in epilepsy, a specific and consistent pattern is lacking. Rather, extremes of behavior are accentuated: sometimes in one direction, often in both directions. Changes in emotional state are prominent among behavioral features in epilepsy. Some authors describe a prominent deepening or increase in emotionality, whereas others identify a global decrease in emotional life and content. Emotional lability is also reported. Sexuality and libido are typically decreased, but fetishism, transvestism, exhibitionism, and hypersexual episodes also occur. Concerns over morality may be lacking or exaggerated. Patients may be irritable and aggressive or timid and apathetic. The impressive list of people with epilepsy in politics, religion, arts, and sciences suggests a positive expression of this behavioral spectrum. Psychosis, depression, paranoia, and personality disorders may represent a negative pole of epilepsy-related behavioral changes. The most important aspect of behavioral changes in epilepsy for physicians is to recognize and treat dysfunctional behavior. Depression is a common problem that is often unrecognized and untreated. Other treatable problems include impotence, anxiety, panic attacks, and psychosis. Identifying risk factors will, it is hoped, assist in developing methods to prevent these disorders,

The feelings one may develop toward others can be devastating to personal and social relationships. When one mistrusts and suspects others constantly, one loosens his or her grip on what is real, what is actually going on around him/her. It can be difficult to live this way, for everyone, and there is an urge to isolate one's self away from others, something that is harmful to the sufferer.

Paranoia itself, is often described as a
disturbed thought process characterized by excessive anxiety or fear, often to the point of irrationality and delusion. Paranoid thinking typically includes persecutory         beliefs concerning perceived threat. In the original Greek, παράνοια (paranoia) simply means madness (para = outside; nous = mind) and, historically, this characterization was use to describe any delusional state.

Living in the grip of paranoia is difficult. It makes trust impossible. It can also make communication with others difficult because the individual may feel he/she needs to edit everything he/she has to say. 

In my own case, I have found relief from the paranoia to which I am prone through my medications. They act as a stabilizing element, and for me, this has meant a great and positive change in my life's experience.

Now, the biggest anxiety I suffer is directed toward my doctors, whenever they want to discuss changing my medications! 

Finding stability is difficult. Being free from seizures is only half the battle for me. I need also to be freed from the paranoia that seems to accompany my condition. I am TLE, left-side, and being rid of the instability makes me able to be consistent in my personality, thinking, and interactions. This is a miracle!!!

To be able to remain in my mind instead of outside of my mind is wonderful to me...


Saturday, April 26, 2008

Driving...


            Driving is something most of us take for granted.  It’s something we can’t wait  to do.  Later, it’s just part of what  we do.

            Driving makes your life different. 

            When my daughter asked me how I felt about having a driver’s license, I really didn’t have to give it much thought---then I realized something:   When you walk from place to place, you gauge everything in terms of strength and endurance---your own. You get only as much stuff as you can carry.  You make every ounce count.  You never even think  of getting stuff that’s heavier than you can jerk and carry.  You never get things bigger than you are.

            The first time I went to the K-Mart, I got so excited about all the great things and the great prices, I bought a truckload. 

            After I checked out, and pushed my cart outside to the parking lot, I realized I didn’t have a car.  I had walked there.  I also realized I couldn’t carry home the things I just bought.

            I was mortified to have to call a neighbor to come get me---and my stuff.                                   

            Stamina and endurance are re-evaluated once you have a vehicle.  The bigger the car, the more powerful the engine, the more you feel enhanced.  The more you can do.  The more you can buy.

            So, when my daughter asked me about driving, I was quick to say that now I could go back to the K-Mart---and buy things that were too heavy for me to carry home.  And some things that were bigger than me, as well.

However, driving is a serious source of contention among epileptics. There are some who feel it is a privilege, others who feel it is a right. I have read in sociological studies, that driving is a normalizing act that makes us feel socially equal, if only by having the driving license---whether or not we use it behind the wheel.

Life without a license can be full of added obstacles, of the kind you might never consider. For example, ever been turned down as a job applicant because you had no driving license? I have. I have been told that taking public transportation or depending on a ride from someone else would make me unreliable in the work place. 

Ever try boarding an airplane without a driving license? Forget state-issued identification, because there are still many people who question the validity of the state I.D.---but no one questions a driving license!

If you have E. and want to drive, there are circumstances under which it is perfectly legal for you to do so. These conditions are not the same, state to state, but many of us can drive, legally.

Driving is a key to many things in life, but most especially, it can be key to the way we see ourselves as individuated parts of our society's whole. 

Friday, April 25, 2008

Patient and Guinea Pig: The Same Thing?


 I borrowed the title for this post from Mike C. at Epilepsy and Life. Double-click the title to read his post there. He chronicles an experience in which he is asked to participate in a study. 

Mike relates his anxiety with docs and hospitals in this post and he raises questions that seem only relevant to crips like us---all of us!

When was the last time any of you felt secure with your doc??? I know I haven't felt secure with a doc for a very long time. This is probably because once they discover my E., they seem to want to prove I don't have it, prove it is somehow psychogenic and not 'true E.' or disregard my condition altogether, because they feel E. is a common disorder but not a dangerous one!

Then, there are those who feel we are great subjects for research studies. So, they begin to see us, not as human beings any longer, but as study animals. I don't know what is worse, the notion that I am being disregarded, discredited or dehumanized!
 
"Do No Harm" seems only relevant to docs when they are dealing with otherwise able-bodied patients. When it comes to their crip patients, they seem anxious to shuffle us off, into studies or into some other care protocol.

How often are persons with epilepsy shuffled off into psychiatric care or into psychological counseling? How often are our seizures attributed to these kinds of conditions, even though there is plenty of information in journals concluding that E. often presents in ways that are imitative of psychiatric pathologies??? 

Does this mean docs are bigoted, or does it simply mean that many, many docs are undereducated when it comes to coping with epilepsy?  My own take on this is that docs are frequently undereducated and that they reach an end to their abilities early in the doctor-patient relationship. When this happens, they search for a good excuse to let go of us as patients, but without feeling they have abandoned us. 

I would love to see a study of doctors done, asking their feelings on E. and whether or not they feel confident treating patients with it. I would also love it if these docs could be asked if they are aware of current treatment, proper first aid techniques for convulsions, etc. 

I think the outcome of such a survey might be fascinating.



Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Shall We Play A Game?


I used to hear it alot: a kind of playground mind game that travelled with folks my age into adulthood. It goes something like this: which would you rather lose, your eyesight or your hearing?

Then, there is the list game: how many illnesses or conditions can you name for each letter of the alphabet... 

The thing about these kinds of games that strikes me beyond their insensitivity is the constant reference to ill or disabled people as the social 'other'--- reinforcement of the them versus us status.

These games never work to make the players more sensitive or aware. These kinds of games never seem to offer any kind of inclusion. Instead, these games keep reminding all of us, collectively, that there are others whose lives are miserable because they are not like us.

Okay--- I have a new game: which would you rather lose control of, your consciousness or your bowels?

Thanks for playing!
See you next time!



Thursday, March 27, 2008

The Hardest Part of E.

There are obvious reasons persons with E. have trust issues---the longer they have E., the more complex these issues seem to become. This may be the hardest part of living with E., overall. I find I am unwilling to trust others---this springs to mind as  the hardest part of E. Let me explain: I trust my husband, because he has been by my side, seen my most terrible convulsions, cleaned me up afterward, and still loves me.

But, contrast this single extension of trust and  confidence I willingly extend to my husband with my responses to others in my world, those who wear titles suggesting, by social convention, they should have my trust, and the world seems a little bleak for me because these titled folks frequently seem to fail my trust.

Doctors---I have seen many of them in my lifetime and I fail to see any advantage in giving any one of them my trust. Often, this is because they seem a little hazy, or downright ignorant, about my condition. Since I understand my condition well, they become resentful, even antagonistic during the treatment process. They question whether or not I really have E. in the first place, they develop reasons for running the same tests over and over again, then they cannot decipher the results of those tests, once they have them in their hands.

The general public: these are the ones who question whether or not I am retarded, whether or not I am criminal, whether or not I am contagious. Some suggest to me that my E. stems from past-life sins of a horrific nature, or that I might benefit from an excorcism to rid me of my condition.

Drugs, surgery, alternative methods all eventually reveal something dangerous to me about the ones who want me to use their methods. For example, I have been periodically informed that chiropractic can cure my epilepsy. Yes, a few good, bone-cracking sessions with these certified quacks and I will be right as rain. No thanks.

Have I just settled into my own, comfortable cynicism or is it experience that informs my attitudes?

I say it is experience. For example, when one prevails upon the medical establishment for help, then finds the individual doctor in his office, looking up Epilepsy in his reference books, one might feel let down, perhaps just a little.

Or---let's say one seizes in the presence of a nurse, and she tries to shove her wallet between my teeth? It is apalling to me how many folks still believe this to be proper first-aid for a seizing individual! 

This would indicate to me that public education has not reached enough folks, and so a better job needs to be done. What baffles me is the notion that folks have learned the Heimlich maneuver for a choking person, but they still don't know enough just to roll us to one side until we finish our seizure??? Or that it is not necessary to call paramedics for Every seizure, but only if they last longer than 10-15 minutes...

Trust is the hardest part of living with E.---or the lack of it! 



(The Symbol to the right is a Chinese character for "Trust".)  It represents
a goal, something to strive for. 

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Hiding on the 'Net: Hate Crimes Against Epileptics...



I was startled when I looked up 'epilepsy' on You Tube, to discover much content designed to provoke seizures among those of us with E.

Then, when I checked my email from the Epilepsy Foundation of America (EFA) a few days back, one of those haters had sneaked in and posted (unsuccessfully) something else designed to cause seizures, complete with an embedded message: You Deserve a Seizure for your Postings.... when the EFA is successful tracking these anonymous fools down---they may be prosecuted for hate crimes, particularly if anyone reports they have been hurt by this content.

What kind of little twerps would do this kind of thing? I can imagine, sheltered in the shadows of the internet, these little pigs howling with laughter at the prospect of hundreds of epileptics suddenly seizing in unison, because of what they have created. They must really dig the power fantasy...

This just in: the EFA has discovered who you are, what you did, how you did it and have turned over the information. Now, you just have to wait for the knock on your door. (You left footprints!)

The notion that folks will take off after any disabled folk is sickening. It brings to mind the Nazi doctrine of "the useless eater", those disabled who do not deserve to live among the healthy---that somehow, we are only a drain on society, that we contribute nothing to our fellow man.

How is it okay for disabled Americans to be left out of the civil rights language used to protect all others??? Protected classes of human beings, of citizens, should be equal under the law---not excepted from it. Below is a comment on an opinion piece called "Too Big A Tent":

Re: "Too big a tent," editorial, Oct. 29

I was surprised and dismayed to read an editorial urging Congress to narrow the hate-crimes act to not include people with disabilities.

Greater inclusion of people with disabilities in American society has not been a painless process. To say there is no problem is to relegate people with disabilities to a second-class status in which bias-motivated crimes on the basis of disability are somehow more tolerable than those committed because of a person's race, ethnicity, national origin or religion.

Thirty-one states and the District of Columbia include people with disabilities under their hate-crimes statutes, but this is not enough. The federal government must send the message that hate crimes committed because of disability are unacceptable and give meaning and substance to this message through the act's provision of crucial resources to local law enforcement.

Curt Decker

Executive Director
National Disability Rights Network
Washington, DC

I have to agree with Mr. Decker. This needs to be a nation-wide law with teeth in it. It should also include language against "mercy killing", euthanasia and assisted suicide. Too many of us could be easily pressured into agreeing to relieve our families and loved ones' of the burden of us... And, not to put too fine a point on it, it should also include crimes of hate perpetrated on the internet, specifically against disabled groups, like our friends, with the clever scheme to invade the EFA chat groups. Hateful, yes. Successful, certainly not.

According to the Southern Poverty Law Center, hate groups in the United States have risen 48% since the year 2000. Lots of these folks like to take off after the disabled. It is important for all of us to support the
Southern Poverty Law Center and become familiar with the work they do on all of our behalves.

Stay well, be careful and safe... even online!

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

A Question of Balance.


It seems, the more medications I take to quiet my seizures, the less balanced I become.

I can’t count the numbers of bruises all over my body in any given month, from tipping into the edge of a cabinet or thwacking against some other hard surface.

And, it has always been so.

To the right is an artwork by Sean Brown,
titled Yoga Firefly, and it suggests the kind of physical balance I would like to achieve, but which seems to elude me. Unlike the subject of Brown's piece, I am far less in control of my balance, and it is not nor has it ever been a question of desire.

For me, as is true for so many of us who take drugs for E., the balance we hope for is one between function and seizure control: can we take the right amount of AEDs to quiet our seizures and yet have enough bodily control to be able to cross a room without catastrophe? I have to say, there are times when I feel I am at the very edge of that delicate edge, praying my fingernails will hold out long enough for me to retain the bit of balance I have achieved.

But, balance hasn't only to do with gait. There are also things like grip---ask my husband. Whenever I do the dishes, he worries. Any crash-like sound coming from the kitchen could be me, starring in yet another disaster. To date I can say that I have broken enough glassware for about half-a-million weddings. Yet, no one has wished me well or shouted congratulations to me.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Eduard Munch's "Anxiety" (1894)

Epilepsy and the Problem of Anxiety...

Anxiety is common to lots of folks. It isn't unusual for any of us to suffer from it, and in various ways. Still, for epileptics, like myself, anxiety can be a complication or symptom of our epilepsy, and it is something frequently misperceived by others.

Jerry Federspiel created this expressive graphic titled "Anxiety". I thought it it represented something common to the experience of many epilepsy experiences. Federspiel has a double degree in computer science and psychology from Wisconsin, and I am certain both areas of study have informed his imagery here.

According to Orrin Devinsky, M.D.:
Anxiety, panic, and phobic symptoms can occur in people with epilepsy, especially those with limbic epilepsy. Limbic epilepsy is seizure foci arising in limbic brain areas; limbic areas are regions in the temporal and frontal lobes, which are involved with memory and emotion (1–4). Anxiety disorders may be more frequent in patients with left than in those with right TLE (2).

Researchers surmise "up to 50-60% of patients with epilepsy may develop psychiatric complications, in particular depression, anxiety, and psychotic disorders."
They aslo readily admit difficulties and a lack of understanding of how best to treat these incidences when they do occur.

Anxiety is related to epilepsy in specific ways. Elana R. Pulver has written: "It can occur not only as a reaction to the diagnosis, but also as a symptom of the epilepsy, and, in some cases, as a side effect of seizure medicines. When considering a diagnosis of epilepsy, it is very important to distinguish it correctly from other disorders. Some people with high levels of anxiety can experience panic attacks, which are characterized by intense feelings of nervousness, fear, and the sudden appearance of bodily symptoms such as sweating, hyperventilation, accelerated heartbeat, and flushing of the skin. In some cases, panic attacks have been misdiagnosed as epilepsy, and epilepsy has even been misdiagnosed as panic attacks! Because these symptoms of anxiety can be present during a seizure, in many cases the two are hard to differentiate. In extreme cases, hyperventilation caused by anxiety can trigger a convulsion, which can further complicate the diagnosis. Also, because the panic attacks occur suddenly and without warning, they are extremely frightening; the person usually believes that they represent a serious medical condition. Because panic attacks and seizures can be so similar, it is important to use techniques such as MRI and EEG to differentiate between them".

And then there are the other instances, like Ms. Pulver points out, when E. is misdiagnosed as "panic attack" or "anxiety". Sometimes this happens because the differential diagnoses is difficult to make. Sometimes it happens because there are mitigating factors, e.g. cultural sentiments against a diagnoses of E., that color a diagnoses of E...

While I was in college, I knew a young man. Very intelligent, good guy. He went on a trip with the honors society and when he came home. he told us that he had some kind of event. He was alone, in a hallway of the hotel in which he was staying. He found himself waking up, on the floor and discovering that he had chipped his teeth. He couldn't say what had happened to him, but after submitting to his doctor, he came back to say he had been diagnosed with "anxiety". Hmmmmmm.

I suppose I could have been happy with that if he had not chipped his teeth. The chipped teeth suggested to me something more like a tonic-clonic or convulsive event. But, I am not the doctor...

In line with earlier reports, a recent paper, to be published in Journal of Anxiety Disorders (available online 13 June 2005) posits the existence of a subgroup of panic attacks with the clinical features of the epileptic aura, and so must be considered and diagnosed as simple partial seizures (SPSs) with a psychic content. In the paper, research is presented to support a hypothesis that panic attacks, when they have the same clinical signs as the epileptic consciousness, should be diagnosed as partial seizures with a psychic content.

After setting out the four clinical signs defining it (suddenness, automatic nature, great intensity and strangeness), the authors made an extensive review of the literature in search of scientific information to support the hypothesis, which reveals a wealth of concurring scientific evidence, at both the clinical and preclinical levels, to support the hypothesis presented in this paper. The authors conclude by saying that panic attacks observed clinically with the features of suddenness, strangeness, great intensity and automatic nature should be interpreted as SPSs. (http://www.medindia.net/news/view_news_main.asp?str=2&x=5388)

The last bit was especially helpful to me when I came across it. Now, when someone insinuates that my anxiety has nothing to do with my E., I can reply back that it well may be a part of the kinds of seizures I suffer. It isn't something external to my condition, but rather something integral to it.



1. Perini G, Mendius R. Depression and anxiety in complex partial seizures. J Nerv Ment Dis 1984;172:287–90.
2. Altshuler LL, Devinsky O, Post RM, Theodore W. Depression, anxiety and temporal lobe epilepsy: laterality of focus and symptomatology. Arch Neurol 1990;47:284–8.
3. Vazquez B, Devinsky O, Luciano D, Alper K, Perrine K. Juvenile myoclonic epilepsy: clinical features and factors related to misdiagnosis. J Epilepsy 1993;6:233–8.
4. Cutting S, Lauchheimer A, Barr W, Devinsky O. Adult-onset idiopathic generalized epilepsy: clinical and behavioral features. Epilepsia 2001;42:1395–8.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

My Tonic-Clonic Experience

This is the way I feel coming out from the blackness of a convulsion. I don't know who the artist is or I would offer credit and my sincerest thanks for graphically expressing something so esoteric and difficult to explain to those who ask or wonder about without asking.

The involuntary scream, the rolled back eyes, the sensation that I am under water, that I may not be able to break back into consciousness again...


Thursday, March 13, 2008

SUDEP

I have been epileptic 52 years now. All along the way, I have suffered from disability bigotry from a wide variety of folks.

Bigot
is often used as a pejorative term against a person who is obstinately devoted to prejudices even when these views are challenged or proven to be false or not universally applicable or acceptable.

I suppose the most difficult bigotry to accept is physician bigotry. To my way of thinking, epilepsy seems to make doctors with prejudice appear from nowhere!

My own GP believes E. to be a fairly innocucous malady. She has said to me, more than once, that at "least it isn't something that can kill you", so why worry about it?

Sudden Unexpected Death in Epilepsy, or SUDEP is a term used when a person with epilepsy suddenly dies and the reason for the death is not known. The cause of SUDEP is unknown. Post mortem examination usually reveals no abnormalities in victims.

Of those who die from SUDEP, it is most common in people who have generalised tonic-clonic seizures, especially in young adults. The most important 'risk factors' seems to be poor seizure control, and seizures occurring during sleep.

SUDEP is relatively uncommon. Roughly 1 in 200 sufferers of severe epilepsy die of SUDEP each year. For sufferers of mild idiopathic epilepsy (epilepsy of unknown cause), the figure drops to 1 in 1,000 per year. The incidence of SUDEP among people who are in remission from epilepsy is negligible.

Cary Groner is a freelance writer in northern California, writing for Applied Neurology on SUDEP, says that research suggests it may be the cause of death in 7% to 17% of all epileptic patients and in up to half of patients with refractory epilepsy. Almost all victims of SUDEP die at home, usually in bed.

Research is helping clinicians profile which patients are likely to be at highest risk. Important contributing factors include a history of uncontrolled seizures as well as seizure type (tonic-clonic seizures present the gravest danger and are associated with at least 90% of SUDEP cases; complex partial seizures also increase risk, but absence seizures do not). Evidence suggests that epilepsy duration heightens risk (most persons who die of SUDEP have had epilepsy for 15 to 20 years).

Elson So, MD, professor in the Department of Neurology at the Mayo Clinic College of Medicine in Rochester, Minnesota, adapts his decision to the individual patient but favors providing the information about SUDEP. "Patients with a history of uncontrolled, generalized tonic-clonic seizures are at highest risk," So said. "Those are the ones I pay the closest attention to and counsel about SUDEP. I think they need to know."

Okay, great. But what about discussing SUDEP risks with clinicians? Apparently, physicians treating patients with E. are subject to 'myths' about E. How these "myths: came into being is a direct function of sociological dynamics.

Despite early work on SUDEP, during the remainder of the Twentieth Century, the subject of epilepsy deaths was neglected and any research on the subject was ignored. In medical texts, and thus in the minds of medical practitioners, a ‘myth’ was established that epilepsy itself was not fatal. ’As far as longevity is concerned, the patient should definitely understand that epilepsy per se rarely causes death and that there is no reason why an epileptic should not live as long as he would if he did not have epilepsy’. (Dr. S. Livingston, Living with epileptic seizures, 1963) However, Rodin’s textbook, the Prognosis of Patients with Epilepsy, 1968, was a notable exception to the current thinking: ‘It appears to be quite obvious that the life expectancy of the epileptic individual does not reach that of the average person. It is also quite impressive that the figures have not shown a dramatic improvement during the past 5 decades. Although death from a seizure is relatively rare, it does occur on occasion and is not preventable under all the circumstances at the present time.’

An explanation as to why SUDEP was forgotten comes from Dr. Lina Nashef in 1995. Following two World Wars, the subject was addressed again but the setting had altered and new writers did not pick up where others had left off. Effective modern anti-epileptic drugs meant that Physicians felt both optimistic and omnipotent. Patients with epilepsy had moved from asylums into the community and there was much less opportunity for observation. Risks from epilepsy were minimized, then denied; that epilepsy could not be fatal became ‘common knowledge’ despite evidence to the contrary.

From the 1970’s to the 1990’s, scientific interest in epilepsy deaths and SUDEP was increasing steadily but most medical textbooks still chose to either ignore the subject altogether or to go in the face of research and make assumptions about the lack of risk in epilepsy. One exception is the following by G.Jay and J.E.Leestma in 1981: ‘There should be an increased awareness that SUDEP in epileptic patients is probably not an extremely uncommon complication and that as more is known about its substrates and mechanisms, that education of the patients and their physicians regarding preventive measures, including careful attention to medication, may decrease or eliminate this catastrophic complication of epilepsy’. (Acta Neurologica Scandinavica Suppl.82, Vol 63).

During the 1990’s there was collaboration on the subject of SUDEP between researchers in the United States, the U.K. and elsewhere, and in the U.K. a self-help group for relatives, called Epilepsy Bereaved, began raising awareness of SUDEP through other epilepsy organisations, the media and by conferences. The risk of death from epilepsy became a subject for open debate and serious concerns about SUDEP were tackled in an increasing number of medical books.

In 1998 there was front page coverage of the story of Prince John which resurfaced when photographs belonging to the Duke and Duchess of Windsor were published for the first time. ‘HRH Prince John who has since infancy suffered from epileptic fits which have lately become more frequent and severe, passed away in his sleep following an attack this afternoon at Sandringham.’

Prince John, the sixth child of George V and Queen Mary died in 1919 aged 13. (In 2003 the BBC made a drama series about the short life of Prince John).

Epilepsy is often assumed to be a benign condition with a low mortality. There is, however, increased mortality in patients with epilepsy, which is relatively high among younger patients and those with severe epilepsy. (Hauser et al, 1980, Hauser & Hersdorf fer, Nashef et al 1995a).

The risk of SUDEP in the general population of people with epilepsy is of the order of 1:1000 per year, typically a young person, 20-40 years old, with poorly controlled tonic clonic seizures.

Most SUDEP deaths are un-witnessed, but there is evidence that SUDEP may often be preceded by a seizure. For people with severe epilepsy the risk increases to 1:200-300 per year.

In one American study a SUDEP rate of 1 in every 370 people with epilepsy has been suggested. (Leetsma et al 1989). It is however a fact that, through ignorance and misunderstanding - few doctors and even fewer coroners are aware of SUDEP - epilepsy related deaths have often not been accurately recorded and the exact number of deaths falling within the category of SUDEP is not known. By declaring a death resulting from a bath-time seizure as ‘drowning’, or a fatal nocturnal seizure as ‘suffocation’, and by not mentioning the epilepsy connection, valuable research data is being lost. SUDEP is death in an otherwise healthy individual with epilepsy where there is no clear explanation of what caused the death.

Evidence suggests that most sudden deaths are related temporally to un-witnessed seizures and may occur during sleep.

The exact mechanism of SUDEP is unclear although essentially it may be respiratory or cardiac. Indeed there may not be a single explanation for such cases and research is ongoing. One theory that may explain the respiratory factor is that epilepsy itself and/or the medications taken (AEDS) may weaken some major organs, causing patients to have difficulty in breathing, especially during a tonic clonic seizure.

Respiratory problems may be due to an airway obstruction or fluid in the lungs (pulmonary odoema) or the seizure discharges may spread to the respiratory centre and cause a terminal apnoea (cessation of breath). It is known that many people who experience seizures stop breathing for a significant time. While it may be common to recover from a seizure and return to a steady normal breathing pattern, a problem arises when the natural recovery does not happen. In essence the patient could suffocate.

The other possible cause of death is cardiac related problems when seizure discharges spread to areas that control heartbeat and cause a fatal cardiac event. During and / or in between seizures, the part of the brain that controls heartbeat can be affected to the extent that an abnormal heart rhythm develops. It can become so unstable that the heart may suddenly stop beating entirely.

Doctors and neurologists also play a vital role in preventing SUDEP deaths as they are the people who can provide truthful, up-to-date information on epilepsy, and establish a management plan ensuring regular reviews, accuracy of diagnosis, medication, side-effects and impact on lifestyle in order to enhance seizure control. Unfortunately, the syndrome of Sudden Unexpected Death is largely unknown in the medical world, which is potentially very dangerous as it affects the way a patient with epilepsy is treated by his/her doctor, how aggressively the condition might be investigated, and, ultimately, how the patient might approach his/her own epilepsy.

In the U.K. a Government funded report into epilepsy deaths shows that 39% of adult deaths and 59% of deaths in children were potentially avoidable and that short-comings in care may have been a contributory factor. Professor David Fish, Consultant Neurologist at the National Hospital, London, one of the lead authors of the report states: “The report found failures in the provision of care all through the system. This included problems of timely access to expert specialists and a lack of structured and effective review at primary and secondary care. It concluded that poor epilepsy management resulted in a substantial number of potentially avoidable deaths”. The report also found little evidence that the risks of epilepsy had been discussed with patients who subsequently died, or that specialist or doctors made contact with bereaved families to discuss the deaths.

Much of the information here points to doctors and researchers in Britain. It so happens that the UK has a very forward and more complete point of view on E. than does the US. It is a pity that a majority of docs in the US still labor with misunderstandings of E. Telling a patient or that patient's family that there is a significant risk involved with E. might be important for them to know, up front.

Still, perching on one's arrogance, feelings of omnipotence, as a physician, might be the worst thing one can do for an epileptic patient, such as myself. Certainly, telling me I cannot die from E., or that my concerns of E. are all in my head, could be a consequence of either bigotry or ignorance.

The consequence of such ignorance about E., should not be borne by the most vulnerable of us! Nor should it be left for our bereft families to struggle with after we pass on...

Sunday, March 9, 2008

How E. Effects Sexuality...

Nothing is more complex than human desire. Nothing is more intimidating than attempting to successfully negotiate the expectations we have of one another that will lead to a happy courtship, either. According to Epilepsy Ontario, "Studies have suggested that men and women with epilepsy experience a disorder of arousal rather than a disorder of desire" This sounds like good news: it says that while we want sex, we may not be charged up for it when the time comes to have it. (www.epilepsyontario.org/client/EO/EOWeb.nsf/web). 

Some of the things that limit persons with E. when it comes to this most intimate of all physical contacts can include:

The stigmatization of the condition of epilepsy can make a person feel self-conscious which can affect self perspective of one's own body and sexual needs.

Restriction of social opportunities or restriction of access to usual educational and occupational experiences is often inflicted unnecessarily upon a person with epilepsy.

Recurrent seizures may lead to a sense of vulnerability and helplessness (poor self-esteem), impairing the capacity to form healthy, nurturing relationships.

Fear that sexual activity will induce a seizure, particularly for persons whose seizures are sometimes triggered by hyperventilation or physical exertion.

Fear of disclosure of your condition to your partner can affect the sexual dynamics of your relationship.

Social and familial stresses due to your sexual orientation, as well as living with epilepsy, may affect your sexual responses and relationships.

In other chronic illnesses, poor acceptance of the condition is associated with sexual dysfunction.

Sexual behaviour may be negatively reinforced if sexual feelings are a component of a seizure.

Disruption of brain regions mediating sexual behavior, either by fixed lesions or by epileptiform discharges

Changes in hormones supporting sexual behavior due to seizures and/or antiepileptic drugs

Antiepileptic drugs have direct effects on brain regions mediating sexuality and may also cause sexual dysfunction by secondary effects on reproductive hormones (http://www.epilepsyontario.org/client/EO/EOWeb.nsf/web/Sexual+Relationships)

We should  understand that as persons with E.,  there are a variety of kinds of obstacles to be overcome, when it comes to intimacy. They are not uniform, nor are they the same for each of us. 

There was a time in the past when we persons with E. were counseled to resign ourselves to the idea that love, sex and intimacy were things we simply could not have for ourselves. From my own experience, I can recall overhearing conversations about whether it was a good idea to give me a Bride's Doll for Christmas... something about not wanting to get my hopes up, only to be let down later. Today, only about 50% of epileptics are married or in long-term, consistent relationships. 

Having E. does not mean foregoing love and desire. But, like everything else, each of us has to recognize how we can balance our condition with our needs.

Friday, February 29, 2008

Something Bubbling Beneath...Physician Frustration!


I know I promised not to get medical on this blog... We each have enough of that in our lives! Still, after writing for a time, I begin to notice that even as I try to write without medicalized references, I am still doing it! I am amazed at the pervasiveness of it and apologize if this has let anyone down.

Still, I mean to point out that there is a subject which bubbles just beneath the surface of our communication with each other: physician frustration, I'll call it. Frustration with the attitude some doctors have towards people with epilepsy. It can include outdated information on epilepsy, bias, or the attitude that unless an individual suffers convulsions, it isn't E.. If a medical professional can't keep up on current information with regards to epilepsy, how can we expect the general population to know the truth about the disorder?

A study of patient attitudes performed at UCLA, concluded:
Patients with intractable epilepsy communicated frustration with their continued disability despite trials of new medications. Their perceptions of the risks of the surgical treatment of epilepsy were exaggerated. Patients felt that their health care providers did not provide adequate information about epilepsy and portrayed epilepsy surgery negatively.

I'd say that's about right. I'd also comment that the education gap frequently leave persons with E. knowing more on the subject of their own illness than the doctors they see. When this is multiplied by ignorance on the part of insurers, the care we need is often denied to us.

My own internist, the one in charge of my general care and the one who reports to my insurers, told me on one of my latest office visits that I might be focused too much on my E.

Her goal at the time was to get me to start taking a statin for my cholesterol. She said that I might be focusing too much on the E. and not enough on a condition that could kill me (the cholesterol). I have to admit I am considering finding a new internist... one with better insight into E.. Apparently, she isn't listening to anything I have to tell her about E. and she hasn't kept abreast of research on E. either. And clearly, she is blissfully unaware of SUDEP...

Now, my insurers are a wholly different matter. In an effort to contain costs, they seem willfully disinterested in allowing the tests and doctor visits with specialists necessary for the maintenance of my condition. When I pushed to know why I was denied, I discovered that the individual making the decisions about my care was a former OB/GYN nurse. At least she was a nurse, right?

In some cases, the individual deciding whether or not to grant referrals for care is a kid, just out of college, whose only reference is a set of company policy manuals.

It can be fatiguing, this consistent struggle for care.

When I began experiencing "new" activity, recently, coupled with the beginnings of depression, I felt it was an urgent situation that required the attention of a specialist in E. My insurer disagreed. It was like moving a mountain to finally get an approval for a visit with an epileptoligist, and in the end, the insurer refused to pay their part. Fortunately, the urgent appearance of new symptoms was corrected by an alteration in my meds and I have been good since, but I was very unhappy with the insurance outcome.

I know I am not the only person struggling with this kind of situation, or if I am, someone please let me know how to rectify it!?



Friday, February 15, 2008

We Might Be Myshkin!!!


The Idiot

BY FYODOR DOSTOEVSKY, 1869

 Prince Myshkin is returning to Russia from Switzerland, where he has been living for more than four years, for medical reasons, at the beginning of The Idiot. “His eyes were large and pale blue, and their intent gaze held at once something gentle and saturnine, filled as they were with that odd expression by which some people can detect epilepsy at a glance.” Later, Dostoevsky describes Myshkin about to be attacked by a man with a knife:

Then all at once everything seemed to open up before him: an extraordinary inner light flooded his soul. That instant lasted, perhaps, half a second, yet he clearly and consciously remembered the beginning, the first sound of a dreadful scream which burst from his chest of its own accord and which no effort of his could have suppressed. Then conscious­ness was extinguished instantly and total darkness came upon him.

He had suffered an epileptic fit, the first for a very long time. As is well known, attacks of epilepsy, the notorious falling sickness, occur instantaneously. In that one instant the face suddenly becomes horribly contorted, especially the eyes. Spasms and convulsions rack the entire body and all the facial features. A fright ful, unimaginable scream, quite unlike anything else, bursts from the chest.

The fit saves Myshkin’s life. Unnerved by the sight of his convulsions, the attacker flees.

Myshkin’s epilepsy is both a medical problem and a metaphor for the innocence that sets him apart, an otherworldliness that contrasts with the competitiveness and materialism of the people around him. This is consistent with the sense of transcendence that often affects people (like Dostoevsky himself) who have temporal lobe epilepsy:

Amid the sadness, spiritual darkness and oppression, there were moments when his brain seemed to flare up momentarily and all his vital forces tense themselves at once in an extraordinary surge. The sensation of being alive and self-aware increased almost tenfold...His mind and heart were bathed in an extraordinary illumination...all his doubts and anxieties seemed to be instantly reconciled and resolved into a lofty serenity, filled with pure, harmonious gladness and hope... with the consciousness of the ultimate cause of all things.

Unfortunately, these moments “were merely the prelude to that final second (never more than a second) which marked the onset of the actual fit.”

Born in 1821, Dostoevsky became linked with the forces of political reform in Russia. He and a group of friends were arrested for political activity, tried, and sentenced to death. In a dreadful charade, as he was about to be executed, the sentence was commuted and he was sent to prison in Siberia. There he experienced his first epileptic seizure. Although he was a Russian nationalist, he left Russia for Europe in 1868 and there wrote The Idiot to help pay off his gambling debts. Dostoevsky’s own epilepsy was particularly acute as he was writing the novel ("Madness in Good Company: Great Literary Portrayals of Brain Disorders"  By Marcia Clendenen, and Dick Riley, 2007).

This book,  The Idiot,  was a revelation to me. I have been a reader of Dostoevsky since my teens, and this is the single book of his I have missed reading, until this year. It is perhaps the finest description of TLE I have ever come across. While the flaws related to the book have to do with other people's interpretations, i.e. "innocence", "Christ-like", etc., the whole of the tale rang very loud bells for me.  

To my own experience, the "innocence" described by critics of the book is symptomatic of a kind of  naivete that presents itself in the personality of the TLE sufferer. "Innocence" strikes me as a kind of willed state, while naivete is no more an act of will than is the E. itself, but it is present, nevertheless. 

I admit identifying with Prince Myshkin. 

I am happy to identify with him, and with Dostoevsky. 

Afterall, I might be Myshkin!!!

Friday, February 8, 2008

Humiliation: Some Field Notes from the Edge


I have been to see a new doctor, an epileptologist, and as is predictable he wants me to have an EEG. I made the appointment after delaying the decision whether or not to have the damn thing done, but feel still unresolved about the issue.
What I have determined about my feelings over whether or not to take the EEG is that I feel "creepy" about it. Why creepy and what does it mean?
Creepy because it offers to inject a kind of destabilization without offering any benefits: I have been diagnosed as a TLE, left focus. That diagnosis has been with me 52 years. This set of test results might be different (because of interpretation) from those performed years ago, resulting in either a different diagnosis, or worse, no diagnosis. This will not change my condition or make the epilepsy disappear, but it could confuse things among the people around me and make me look like some sort of lying malingerer, a kind of social cheat.
Digging deeper into the meaning "creepy" holds for me, I discovered the word itself (with its deeper implications) made me angry and brought me to tears of both fear and frustration. This revealed my feelings about the testing situation as a kind of freak show, a tortuous command performance where people will sit around and observe whether or not they can induce the ultimate show, in the form of a convulsion from me. I resent this deeply, feel terribly isolated because of it and am disinclined towards such performance. I will do everything I can to refuse having a convulsion. Will this spoil the test? Don't know, but it should be exhausting because they will do everything they can to bring me to have a convulsion or some episode they can record.
I am planning to go forward with the test because it will please my family, and my doctor; a direct fulfillment of Parsons sick role obligations. I have tried to adopt the idea that I am 'more curious about the outcome of the test than I am fearful of it', but in this most personal sense it is not true. I am afraid of being displayed like this and impersonally exposed a freak, of having my most sensitive buttons pushed for the satisfaction of others. It feels usury.
Then there is the political fallout, the "confusion". I was referring to. When I was a kid and went awhile without having a convulsion, my mother would be so pleased. If she were pleased, I was pleased. Restrictions eased, and I felt more comfortable in my own skin, more like a whole person.
     She was always counting time in between seizures, as if she was hoping it would disappear with my childhood. I grew to think that people close to me also counted the time between events. And, there was support for my assumption because after each one, the proximity to the last one is mentioned.
Persons with E. cannot help but notice the impact a convulsive episode has on those around us and it does seem logical to mark the intervals between episodes, in the same way one marks the time between contractions for a pregnant woman about to deliver.
Still, there is always the hope that those around us will just let it go, forget to mention it. I know I can recall the “last time” and the intervals in between. No one has to mention it to me. It always feels like a kind of indictment, whenever they do.

Monday, December 31, 2007

Community Makes Us Stronger!


Socialization helps each of us cope. Epilepsy is a condition poorly understood or accepted by the general public.If we are going to change the perceptions others have of us and of our condition, then we have to be willing to work out. We have to be willing to share information, admit to others that we have this thing, and allow an opening for conversation to take place. Share what you know. Share your feelings, your experiences, your fears. Frustrations, triggers, flash-points, too. Each of these things will help add to another person's knowledge and understanding of E.

Be willing to reach out to someone else. I know I have appreciated it when others have reached out to me. Let me offer an example: an anonymous note I got about a factual error in a post of mine. If the person had included a name I could thank them properly. Even though I thought I had researched my piece well, I was apparently off the mark about a biographical detail in the life of Harry Laughlin. He was a eugenicist whom we can credit with making life a bit more difficult for all types of disabled. He was diagnosed with E. as an adult. I wrote that he had children, and my unknown friend, pointed out that this was not the case. I reexamined my work, revisited my research, and discovered that I Got It Wrong!!! So, rather than allowing me to continue to look foolish, my unknown benefactor took pity and gave me a word. Thank-you, very much, whoever you are.

Community. It is that thing that allows each of us to feel cared for and about. It affords us bravery and confidence. We have to engage it, instead of staying away from it.

Happy New Year and here's wishing each of you less frustration and many fewer seizures in 2008!

Saturday, November 10, 2007

November is E. Awareness Month

Did you know that the designation of November as National Epilepsy Awareness Month is 38 years old? I didn't. When I have mentioned that November is National Epilepsy Awareness Month to friends and strangers alike, they all say the same thing to me: "I didn't know that!"

Because they didn't know, they did not make donations, participate in multi-K runs, attend pancake breakfasts, or even wear the lavender ribbon that is supposed to designate such an awareness and support. I see yellow ribbons for the Support Our Troops effort, I see oceans of pink ribbons for Breast Cancer Awareness, so it isn't that people don't want to offer support for things they consider worthwhile.

The question I ask myself is: if the campaign to make the general public more aware of E. is a national effort, then why does it seem to be so impotent?

Our one, giant lobbying organization is funded and can aide us in our regional and local efforts at least one month of the year, can't they? Certainly, many of us have been made aware of Heart Disease, Good and Bad Cholesterol, High Blood Pressure, Alzheimer's; of HIV/AIDS, of Asthma, of Lyme's disease; of the dangers of the Hanta virus, Smoking, and even Prostate Cancer... so what about E.?

Why are both professionals and lay persons still so badly informed about a condition that affects millions of us daily?

Public consciousness raising could improve our lives greatly. If it were done correctly, a successful series of ads and activities could help release many of us from stigma, keep us employed, insured, in school, and raise many of us up in our local communities. So why are we still futzing with this, why aren't we becoming more successful at telling people about ourselves?

One big flaw in these campaigns seems to be that the programs designed to heighten an awareness of epilepsy are targeted towards persons who already have E.---trust me, these people are already aware of it.

It's only a suggestion that awareness programs be directed outward, toward the larger society, that is, if one wants the larger society to become cognizant of the condition and its details.

Maybe it's time to rethink placing our advocacy in the hands of a single organization.
Maybe they haven't done us any real good in 38 years...

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Pity, As I Know It


I am no longer content accepting only pity from the non-disabled. Instead, I feel strongly that pity should be replaced with opportunity so all of us can function as a part of society, and not remain set apart from it. I know I am not alone.

To the right is a work by the artist Pierre Puvis de Chavannes, titled "Pity" (1887). It is an illustrative work because it points up an emotional component common to those who feel themselves pitied by others.

You may notice that the Pitier resembles Death in this painting, and I would suggest that this is not literal death, but a death that removes the living disabled from the company of others, from the fellowship and society to which he or she belongs.

Piety as a concept has been with men as long as his gods, and is not the exclusive mark of any religion or cult or sect. My own knowledge of this concept is a Christian one, certainly, but I am familiar with other, equally significant deconstructions of the term. A good example, is Socrates’ discourse on piety in Euthyphro.

As I came to understand it, if one seeks to offer pity or to be pious, one must be dutiful and try to acquire a sense of compassion, presumably for others. But why link these terms, pity and piety? I have to admit, connecting both words is the consequence of an academic accident on my part.

You see, in a quest to discover why Pitiers seem to feel so bitter, so let down, when their pity is refused, I looked to the origin of the word "pity" to see how its use might have been altered over the centuries. I was surprised to find it linked with "piety".

Apparently, until the 13th century, “pity" and "piety" were interchangeable, inextricably tied to one another. In the time between the 13th and 16th centuries, the word "pity" contained the notion of gratitude in its definition. It also contained the concepts of kindness and filial duty.

C.T. Onions: The Oxford Dictionary of English Etymology confirms that "pity [and] piety [were] not fully differentiated until the late 16th century" (p.679). (Of course, this one perspective on the English language usage of these words in no way represents a host of other understandings.)

People who pity the disabled have an expectation that we disabled should reciprocate their acquired sense of kindness with our own dutifully rendered gratitude.

My social observations of pity and piety stem from a lifetime of experience with these words as actions. To me, it looks as if those who offer the disabled pity enjoy a sense of personal gratification from making the act of pity. I think many also feel a sense of godliness from this act because they have extended some part of themselves toward an unfortunate individual. Simply put, when someone says to me "I pity you", that someone walks away feeling good about himself.

How does this kind of pity uplift me? How can these folks expect me, or any other disabled, to share their joyous well-being? Pity, which only uplifts the one who pities, and does nothing for the subject of his pity, cannot be pious. It is only selfish.

But, if the impulse to offer pity can act as a motivational force to correct social injustices, then pity may be a good thing. Without such motivation to act, pity is useless.

A Scent of Angels: Falling into a Tonic Clonic Seizure

First, comes the scent---the Angels are present. Next comes the fall, and I feel a brushing of wings, growing stronger, more intense until ...