June 2, 2018

Have You Ever...?

       It occurred to me the other day that when I haven't had a convulsion for a long-ish period of time, I begin to get nervous. I become hyper-aware, and every little thing seems to feel like a warning that a massive event is on the way. I would love to feel free of epilepsy, but I never really do.
       I suppose part of my anxiety is linked with the fact that I do have an aura before an event. This means (at least to me) that any little sound, smell or visual oddity is a signal to be careful where I go, what I do and with whom I do it.
       And each time the sequence of events repeats, it makes me feel as though the pattern is set. Epilepsy really cannot be avoided. Convulsions can't be evaded. Seizures of all sorts and kinds can't be talked away or reasoned with. There is no amount of willing or determining that can be done by any one of us that can keep it away or make it stop once it has you. And, for me, there is an almost claustrophobic feeling that I cannot outrun or escape it's onset. Of course, this is how it feels when I am only ruminating on it. We all know that when E. does happen to visit, no  one really has the time or luxury to contemplate how it feels.
         So this is why I say I am epileptic because contrary to the positive thinking of many folks, I do not deny that my epilepsy has me, and that it has since I was 3 years old. I know it has informed and even formed some of my thinking and development as a human being. But, how do you think of it???